How to Train a Dragon

How do you train someone to do what you want? One approach is to instruct. You take the time to teach them the steps, the script, the actions, and the attitude. That method can take a lot of time.

That’s why I thought it interesting to observe how well my daughter Annie trained her son. Annie and her husband Matt have a three-year-old boy named Lukas. (I received their permission to share this story.) Let me tell you a story about a spare bedroom that operates as a catchall room.

One day, Lukas called me over to the spare room and said with irritation, “Pops, look at this mess. Uncle Timothy moved everything around into this one spot. I can’t get around in this room. These things are supposed to go over there (Lukas pointed at the opposite corner of the room.) Instead, he moved everything over here and it makes it hard to even come into the room.”

I thanked Lukas for sharing this vital information, then turned around, and walked out. Lukas followed me, took my hand, and said, “Pops, come here, I have to show you something.” He led me back into the room and, with intensity, repeated what he had just told me, “Pops, look at this mess. Uncle Timothy moved everything around into this one spot. I can’t get around in this room. These things are supposed to go over there (again, he pointed at the opposite corner of the room). Instead, he moved everything over here and it makes it hard to even come into the room.”

Now, at this point, you might be thinking, “Mark, that is the second time you told me the same thing.” I know, and imagine if it were the third time you heard it…because that was the case with me! That’s right, I listened to the same message three times. The first time was from Lukas’s mother, who had expressed her frustration before Lukas did. When I recalled that earlier conversation with Annie, I recognized the significance of Lukas’s concerns and realized how he was mirroring Annie’s agitation. It was as if a light bulb switched on in my head.

I had often observed Annie trying to teach Lukas, but I couldn’t recall her having as much success as she did with the spare room incident. The irony is that Annie wasn’t even trying to teach Lukas; he was simply absorbing her reaction. Annie’s agitation heightened Lukas’s awareness, making him realize that what he saw and heard was incredibly important. It was as if his mind switched on a video recording device, and he memorized everything Annie had said and done, including her gestures indicating where things should be placed.

Annie had transmitted her emotional state and words to Lukas without even trying. He picked up on her signals and was able to reproduce everything. What particularly caught my attention was his ability to repeat her speech.

This kind of unintentional teaching likely occurs frequently in workplaces, communities, and families.

I find this very profound.

It reinforces much of the research I have been reviewing over the past quarter-century: nothing drives an organization, family, or any other group like the emotional state of the leader and its individual members. In this context, the “leader” can be anyone who influences others—whether a parent, teacher, manager, or community leader.

• If a leader is highly agitated, they can transmit or teach behaviors in ways they are unaware of.
• If a leader is highly anxious, they can also influence their group unknowingly.
• If leaders are driven by anger, they can similarly transmit negative emotional states without realizing it.

Getting someone to memorize dialogue can be challenging unless it carries an emotional undercurrent. For example, if I say, “Look! Can you see? There is a light out there because it is early,” you might struggle to remember it. But if I say, “Oh, say can you see, by the dawn’s early light,” you will likely recall the words. Why? Because it’s a poem you’ve memorized through a song that reminds you of high school football games, college graduations, or other memorable events associated with strong emotions.

The great therapist and consultant Edwin Friedman noted that in today’s age, we place too much emphasis on gathering information. Instead, we should pay more attention to the emotional processes at play. In this discussion, I focused on three emotional influencers: agitation, anger, and anxiety.

1) Be aware of the negative lessons you can unconsciously pass along through these emotions.

2) Learn how to counteract these negative emotional processes in your group, workplace, or family by effectively managing your own agitation, anger, anxiety, and emotional state.

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