Hurt and Be Hurt

I want to share something that doesn’t make me proud because it doesn’t reflect well on me; in fact, it makes me feel small.

A while back, I learned that a guy a couple of years older than me had passed away. I was surprised to hear this news. I had known him in high school—not well, but enough to remember him.

I have no memory of him being nice to me. It wasn’t like he beat me up or bullied me; he was simply hostile toward me. This hostility may have stemmed from loyalty, as I had taken a starting position on a sports team from one of his friends. Perhaps to defend his friend, he chose to undermine me with cutting remarks and outright rebellion. (The irony was that his friend, the guy I beat out, was always supportive and friendly toward me.)

Once that high school year ended, my antagonist and I never played together again, and I had very little contact with him afterward.  I moved on; this was just a blip in my life.

The clue that this was a bigger deal than I thought came at his passing. I usually feel some emotion when a person passes away—sadness, relief if they were suffering, or even a sentimental sorrow for someone I did not know, along with their surviving family. But in this case, I felt…nothing.

All of this reminded me of something I have learned. In a fallen world, it is hard to navigate life without someone else hurting you. It’s just going to happen. It’s a given.

Although I recovered quickly from that high school experience and considered it “no big deal,” it seems that my past created a wound buried in my subconscious. Even though he has passed away, I have just this week forgiven him—not for his sake, but for my own.

It is a shame that he is gone. If I had encountered him later in life and brought up our past, he would likely have acknowledged that he was tough on me. We could have had a good laugh and found closure.

There is a corollary to the rule of thumb I previously offered. While it is hard to live in a fallen world without being hurt by others, it is equally challenging to live in a fallen world without hurting someone else. I know I have.

There have been times when I confronted people and inadvertently left them deeply hurt. I possess a unique ability to speak calmly to others, which often makes my comments feel toxic to them. Many believe that outbursts of anger hurt people the most, but I’ve discovered that unemotional statements can inject negativity like poisoned darts of bitterness. I can’t help but wonder if, when I die, someone who outlives me will feel the same way I did about the individual in my story.

It’s awfully hard in life to live without causing or experiencing pain. So what should we do about this?

First, we should live humbly. I’ve seen people ruin their lives over the hurt they’ve experienced from others. While that’s not good, they often fail to recognize the pain they may have caused in return—sometimes through the very actions that hurt them. We must remember that there are individuals out there who have encountered us and experienced negativity and pain as a result.

Second, we need to be gracious and forgiving toward those who hurt us. I recognize that I can hurt others too. If I accept that someone is bound to hurt me, I may handle painful encounters in a healthier manner.

Third, we must understand that personal growth is often accompanied by pain. For someone to have the courage to tell us what we need to hear or to point out our mistakes, we must accept the discomfort that comes with it. I don’t enjoy going to the dentist, but I prefer it over having rotten teeth. Sometimes after a dental visit, my mouth feels sore, but that pain is better than the alternative.

Reality is our friend. If we recognize the reality of “hurt and be hurt” and accept it, then we can truly live healthy and productive lives.* …